Moving Up the Dignity Scale
By: Tami Pyfer
Last week while meeting with a group of education leaders in Seattle I heard the same questions I’ve come to expect after a workshop on the Dignity Index:
“How do I get better at moving up the scale?”
“How do I change the way I think about people—not just what I say out loud?”
“Do you have more resources for me?
Tim, Tom, and I hear these questions a lot. People learn about the Index and think they’ll use it to score others, but they soon can’t help but score themselves, and then they suddenly see their own contempt in ways they didn’t before. They discuss immediate actions they can take, like cleaning up their email or taking down certain social media posts. But they want to do more, and they want to know how.
So do we! And it’s not easy!
Leadership expert Ron Heifetz has said that there are two kinds of challenges: technical challenges and adaptive challenges. Technical challenges are those we can solve by applying a set of instructions, such as: delete these words that signal contempt and add these phrases that convey dignity.
Adaptive challenges are more difficult, because we’re not adapting a document, we’re adapting ourselves. We’re the ones we have to change. That can mean, for many of us, changing our habits and elevating our skills so we can treat others with dignity even when we’re hurt.
This goes to the heart of the cause of contempt. Contempt starts with emotional pain. When we’re hurt or angry or afraid, our brain automatically starts looking for someone to blame. It’s a deeply conditioned response designed to keep us safe, but if we don’t manage it, it can poison our relationships. This is why so many of us who work with the Index are trying to find the exercises and practices that allow us to treat others with dignity in stressful situations.
There is no final guide for this. We’re all finding our way, and always with each other’s help. Since we launched the Index three years ago, we’ve recommended a short list of books for people who want to go deeper: Donna Hicks’ book Dignity, Arthur Brooks’ book Love Your Enemies, John and Julie Gottman’s book Fight Right, Amanda Ripley’s book High Conflict, and now we want to add another title to the list.
This week our colleague Tom Rosshirt, a co-creator of the Index, is publishing his new book Chasing Peace: A Story of Breakdowns, Breakthroughs, and the Spiritual Power of Neuroscience—published by Maria Shriver’s imprint Open Field Press at Penguin Random House.
The book describes Tom’s struggles with a stress-based illness that healed only after health practitioners taught him methods for reducing fear. When the fear subsided, the illness did too. Chasing Peace describes many approaches to reducing fear that not only heal certain medical conditions but promote spiritual growth as well.
Tom says, “Many new healing methods share one core approach: turn and face and defuse your fear by feeling it. It’s not easy. It takes guidance and patience and practice. But it’s the deepest healing there is. When fear goes, what’s left is love.”
This is the kind of approach that could help us hit the higher scale points on the Dignity Index. If we have less fear, then we’re better able to treat someone with dignity even when we’re upset. It can help us defuse a fight instead of inflame it.
If you’re eager to explore different strategies for reducing fear—and rising on the Dignity Index—you can order Chasing Peace here.
One of my favorite passages in the book describes what striving to climb on the Dignity Scale looks like for me:
“Just as a tree takes in carbon and puts out oxygen to save the earth, we must take in hatred and give out love to save humanity. This is the defining spiritual gift. We all have it to some degree—to love the person who hates us. If you’ve raised a toddler or a teenager, you’ve done it countless times. We can all learn to do it a little more—to be wounded and treat others well, to answer ill will with good will, to absorb pain without passing it on. It seems to go against our deepest instincts, but it’s actually a call to our highest gifts.”
Thanks so much for your interest in Dignity. There is a lot of turbulence on the seas of change, but we can’t go wrong if we steer by this North Star. I’m so glad we’re on this journey together.
Tami
Tim Shriver joined Courageous Conversations About Our Schools to discuss The Dignity Index
The Dignity Movement in Action
The Students for Dignity team recently appeared on the School Conversations podcast to discuss using The Dignity Index to navigate challenging interactions and promote dignity on campuses nationwide.
With engagement growing on campuses and schools across the country, our student ambassadors shared insights on the power of dignity over contempt and how young leaders can make a meaningful impact.
Don’t miss this inspiring conversation!
