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By: Tim Shriver
Last week my brother Mark and I, together with our wives Linda and Jeanne, welcomed our sister Maria back home to Washington for a celebration of her new book, “I Am Maria.”
Maria’s book is stunning—a collection of poems that will invite you into a world of imagination, memory, fear, hunger, love, and more.
I won’t be able to do the book justice in this short newsletter, but suffice to say it offers a powerful invitation to write poetry as a way of exploring the hidden stories of our lives and for transforming hidden pain. Get it. It’s terrific.
And here’s one point I think stands out: Maria writes about heartbreak and pain, but Maria also writes without contempt or blaming or scapegoating anyone. That’s right: there’s no shame or contempt leveled against anyone! She writes about her childhood pain but never blames our parents. She writes about murder and crushing sadness but never blames the perpetrators. She writes about a vicious career environment but never blames her colleagues. She writes about betrayal and abandonment but never blames anyone. Check me on this: this book is full of pain, but that pain isn’t blamed on anyone for causing it.
That’s why I think Maria’s book is a template for the dignity movement. Over and over, we present the Dignity Index and the skills for strengthening dignity, and we get asked if it’s realistic to expect people to treat each other with dignity even when one person has caused another pain. We don’t have to answer that with a theory anymore—we’ve got a writer and book to prove its possible! As Maria said in her remarks at Holy Trinity, “I found the healing of my pain by going inward, and everything I found gave me more compassion and love for others.”
And Maria isn’t the only one discovering this possibility. Just last week, 8th graders in Arizona who’ve learned how to use the Dignity Index in their classrooms were asked on a survey why it’s important. Over 250 students answered with insights about how the Index can change the way they treat teachers, friends, and political adversaries too.
But one answer jumped off the page for me: “I think (The Dignity Index) is important,” one student wrote, “because it can teach me to treat everyone with dignity even when they treat me with contempt.” There you have it again—the same message: it’s possible to respond to things that cause us pain without inflicting pain in return. And by 8th grade, one wise student is already learning how important it is to try.
Maria joined my Need A Lift? podcast this week—you can find it anywhere you listen to podcasts. During our conversation, we discussed how she and I are trying to manage the conflicts in our own family right now.
Rather than debate the merits of various family positions, I asked Maria how poetry might help us express and manage the heartbreak in our family. And there, in the moment, Maria, with no pen or paper, just a longing in her heart, composed as she spoke a loving poem to a member of our family:
“My heart breaks that you and I are at odds.
I'm... bereft that you and I have come to this place.
I'm heartbroken that there is a potential future where you and I are not in each other's lives. Where our children are not connected.
That cannot be.
We have got to find our way home.
You and I cannot be in this place that we find ourselves in.
Do we even know why we are here?
Do you know?
Do I know?
How do we find our way through the heartbreak, through the healing, back to our home?
Are you mad at me?
Are you sad with me?
Do you feel that I cut you down?
What is it that you don't understand about my words that I used?
Because I don't understand yours, but I don't want to lose you over words.
I want to be with you as I age, as I grow.
I want you to be with me.
Can we find our way home?
Do you understand that I'm heartbroken, that I'm crying for a return to something that maybe never was, but can be for our future?
Come on, let's figure this out.
Let's find our way home.”
I hope these words inspire you to write a poem to someone in your life—someone you’ve lost, someone you loved. Maybe you won’t send it, but try to write it just the same. The words don’t have to rhyme and the message doesn’t have to be an argument. It can just be heartbreak. Or heartbreak and hope. Or just hope. Or just the words that can bring you home.
Give it a try. Give coming home a try. Your heart depends on it. Your country may too.
Tim
Tami Pyfer on The Dignity Movement 🎥
The Dignity Movement in Action
Tim, Tami, Gerri, and Alicia teaming up in California!
Our team was in Southern California presenting at a corporate conference for senior executives. The Dignity Index resonated particularly with HR leaders who see the Index as a way to reinforce their corporate culture of respect and inclusivity.
Tami - Weber State University
Tami spoke at the Utah Public Health Association Conference last week at Weber State. She spoke about the challenges facing public health organizations in these divided times, sharing strategies grounded in dignity that can guide the way we talk to and about others when we are in conflict.
Karren, Ira, Kylie - Youth City Councils
Karren and Ira were joined by Kylie (who recently chartered a Students for Dignity Club at Utah Tech University!) as they trained members of several Youth City Councils in Southern Utah. They were met with much enthusiasm, and the young people concluded the workshop by sharing how they plan to bring the Dignity Index to their city councils and communities. The team also took time to teach a local Girl Scout troop about the Index -- testing out our new Youth Edition of the scale, designed for students in K-8 grades (it was a hit!).
