Bridging Divides This Thanksgiving
By: Tom Rosshirt
It’s almost Thanksgiving. For many of us, that means gathering with family members around the holiday table and talking to relatives who oppose our politics.
Many of us might be taking precautions – planning to sit at the table tight-lipped so we can get through Thanksgiving without a blow up.
I’d like to suggest a different challenge.
If we’re going to be with members of our families who we might think of as “right-wing conservatives” or “left-wing liberals,” let’s think again. Let’s see if we can put labels aside and find out more about who they are.
We can’t find out who people are if we’ve labeled them. If we’ve labeled them, we’ve already decided who they are.
The columnist and writer David Brooks, author of How to Know a Person, says that among the basic moral skills, the top skill is “the ability to see others and make them feel seen.”
And one of the most important marks of this skill is the ability to ask good questions – the kind of questions that show your curiosity and encourage the other person to share a personal story.
Imagine talking to a family member who had a very different reaction to the election than you did.
What if you asked:
What did you like most about where you grew up?
Who was the best teacher you ever had?
What was your greatest moment in athletic competition?
Who gave you a break you didn’t deserve?
We don’t have to talk politics to ease the divisions caused by politics. But if the conversation goes there, you might even ask: “Do you remember a moment when you knew you were a liberal, or a conservative – what decided it for you?”
If you listen to the answer carefully, you might hear about the person’s hopes and dreams. We all have hopes and dreams for ourselves and for our country. In fact, psychologists John and Julie Gottman say that when we’re in one of those fights that seem to go on and on with never any resolution, it’s always about one thing: our dreams.
It might seem too personal and intimate to ask someone about their dreams over Thanksgiving dinner, but you can ask questions about their life and then listen. The music of their dreams will be playing in the background.
And as you listen, maybe you can hear the music of disappointment too. See what it does to your heart when you hear about another’s regret.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once wrote: “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”
We’re all carrying hurt inside we’re trying to heal – if we can’t see that, we’re never going to understand our politics, or each other.
This is a lot to ponder for Thanksgiving, but if all we do is come to the table with a few questions that might help another person open up and share a story, we all might be able to linger a little longer at the table – and enjoy the full flavor of the dessert.
Happy Thanksgiving 🦃 🍁
Tom
The Power of Curiosity This Holiday Season
Take a minute to check out this helpful hint you can use with family (and friends!) at your Thanksgiving dinner table.
Giving Tuesday
Mark your calendars: Giving Tuesday is December 3!
This year, The Dignity Index invites you to help spread dignity far and wide. Your support fuels our mission to replace contempt with respect and division with understanding.
"Dignity is not just a job for elected officials. It’s a job for all of us. If we lead, they will follow. And now that the election is over, dignity is job number one." – Tim Shriver
Join us this Giving Tuesday to make dignity the foundation for how we connect, communicate, and solve problems together.