We All Fall for Contempt—But We Can Rise
By: Tom Rosshirt
Recent media attention has raised curiosity about the Dignity Index – our eight-point scale that measures how we treat each other when we disagree. Some people seem pleased with the project; others appear irritated. A typical social media post recently said that our call for dignity was “a slap in the face to people being deeply hurt right now.”
This is a common view in a culture of contempt – the conviction that if you don’t attack the other side, you’re enabling them. You’re “letting them get away with it.”
We believe this reflects the biggest blind spot in American politics today – the damage we do to our country when we treat each other with contempt.
Dr. John Gottman, drawing on more than fifty years of research into the psychology of relationships, says: “contempt is poisonous.” He calls it “a form of psychological abuse” and says “It never resolves things. It always leads to more conflict.”
Dr. Arthur Brooks, former head of the American Enterprise Institute, says in his book, Love Your Enemies, “When somebody around you treats you with contempt, you never quite forget it. So, if we want to solve the problem of polarization today, we have to solve the contempt problem.”
Dr. Donna Hicks, an international conflict resolution specialist and author of the book Dignity, says that “Along with our survival instincts, the yearning to be treated with dignity is the single most powerful force motivating our behavior... If we violate someone’s dignity repeatedly, we will get a divorce or a war or a revolution — because a desire for revenge is an instant response to a dignity violation.”
We all know what contempt is – it’s looking down on someone else, calling them names, attacking their character, blaming them for what’s wrong.
We are wholeheartedly opposed to contempt – but not because it’s impolite. We’re opposed to it because it leads to hostility, anger, division, and violence. We’re against it because it leads us to hate each other – and a country whose citizens hate each other does not have a bright future.
Honoring people’s dignity does not mean softening our passions on any matter of principle. It doesn’t call on us to drop any conviction, but to add one: that everyone should be treated with dignity and no one should be treated with contempt.
And treating people with dignity is a much more effective way of holding people accountable. Instead of calling them names or attacking their character, we focus narrowly on facts, actions, decisions, and outcomes. It puts attention on the issue, not the individual. If we truly want to fix a problem, we have to find its cause, and the cause will always be found in facts. Contempt starts a fight that distracts us from the facts, and that serves the cause of people who don’t want to be held accountable.
Even if your cause is just, even if what you say is true, if you express it with contempt for the other side, it increases divisions, makes enemies, and undercuts your cause.
We all use contempt. It’s a natural response to pain and frustration. But most everyone thinks their contempt is good contempt, a virtuous response to the evil of the other side. So, we don’t see the damage we do to our country when we use contempt.
That’s the point of scoring with the Dignity Index – to pierce the blind spot. When people first hear about the Index, they think it’s a tool for judging others, but when they use it, they find it’s a mirror for seeing themselves. Contempt is easy to recognize when we see it from the other side, but it’s shocking when we suddenly see it in ourselves. When we see it, we don’t like it, and many of us begin to use more dignity and less contempt – then we start to expect the same from people around us. That’s how the culture begins to change.
It’s a long, hard path. But there is growing attention on the issue of dignity, and this gives us a chance to create a revolution in the way we treat each other. It’s not a crazy hope.
There is nothing that Americans love more than a redemption story. A person who’s fallen and risen is far more beloved in our country than someone who’s never fallen before. This is good news – because millions of us have fallen for the false promise of contempt, and now we all have a chance to rise.
Tim Shriver Discusses "The Mirror Effect" 🎥
The Dignity Movement in Action
January marked the end of Tami's yearlong fellowship with the Emerson Collective, and this week she was joined in Utah by Rahsaan Thomas, an Emerson Fellow from Oakland. They were recognized by Utah Representatives Katy Hall and Steve Eliason and Governor Cox for their work as Emerson Community Champions. Great work Tami! 👏
Gerri Slater and Alicia Burke of the UNITE team attended The Power of Dignity workshop session in St. Louis, Missouri on January 25th, led by friend and dignity inspiration Donna Hicks.
Gerri and Alicia joined participants from a wide range of backgrounds to benefit from Donna’s insights and personal stories and take part in group and self-reflection exercises, helping everyone raise their own dignity game and drive positive change. They walked away from that St. Louis winter day warmer, wiser, and re-energized thanks to Donna and their fellow participants!
Alexa attended the Braver Angels workshops at the Utah State Capitol this week, where the theme was “This is the Place to Build a House United.” Led by volunteer leaders of the Braver Angels movement, the workshops provided elected leaders with tools to de-escalate concerns and better understand their constituents' needs.
Pictured: Senator Thatcher and Alexa Merrill
Spread the Word: Share and Engage
The conversation around dignity is growing, and sharing this newsletter helps bring more people into it. When we challenge contempt and focus on dignity, we create space for real change. If this resonates with you, share this on Facebook and invite others to join the conversation.
Follow us on Instagram (@thedignityindex) for more ways to engage. Every share helps shift the narrative—let’s keep it going!