Overcoming Under-Indexing
By: Alicia Burke
Pictured above: Alicia Burke with her sisters
Last March, my 88-year-old mother, Marion, moved to a senior living community exactly one mile from us.
It’s been decades since she and I lived this close to one another, and I was realistic enough to think it would be an adjustment. A big one for her, after many years in a small Connecticut town where she had autonomy and close friendships. But after a couple of falls and a lot of loneliness after my Dad died of Alzheimer’s in 2020, my sisters and I finally persuaded her to move closer to one of us…me.
I figured it would be a small adjustment for me. After all – I’m a grown, semi-responsible adult with a family of my own. And as the youngest of five sisters, who for most of my life played Switzerland in family disagreements, I figured this new arrangement would only showcase my strengths. Oh, the smugness of being the youngest.
My mom’s transition was surprisingly smooth. The warmth of her new community, and a flurry of visits from her adult grandchildren, infused her with energy. I, on the other hand, was struggling. A barrage of new challenges sprang up for my sisters and I: finding new doctors, adding custodians to her bank accounts, dealing with health issues, getting her house in Connecticut ready for sale. I found myself alternating between avoiding conflict completely and vehemently disagreeing, my resentment not quite below the surface. Instead of problem-solving, I was problem-seething.
Then, about five months into my mother’s move, I started working with The Dignity Index, a tool co-created by the combined genius of Tim Shriver, Tom Rosshirt, and Tami Pyfer to help ease divisions and solve problems during moments of disagreement.
My focus is helping companies support their employees in training them in using The Dignity Index. The work immediately drew me in. After having spent more than two decades in corporate life, I recognized The Dignity Index as a refreshingly simple tool that offers lasting impact, and the training is delivered with honesty and humor.
The concept is straightforward -- using a scale of 1 to 8 (from contempt to dignity) the tool evaluates and scores language used during disagreement. And when you use the tool as a ‘selfie’, you can quickly determine how your own language is either helping to solve problems or contributing to the culture of contempt, reinforced by the current media landscape and its algorithms.
As I dug into The Dignity Index work more deeply, I started to notice, uncomfortably, that during disagreements with my sisters my thoughts and language were very un-Switzerland-like. In fact, they were often 3s or 4s on the Dignity scale. My thoughts often went something like this, “They have no idea what it’s like since I’m here and they’re there.” “That is so like her to be this way, while I’m trying to hold down the drama-free fort.”
And my language sounded something like “You don’t really get it, since you won’t be the one bringing mom to the appointment, so let’s not even discuss it,” often paired with an eye roll. The result of this approach not only dragged out a lot of problems, but also led to an increasing separation between my sisters and I, during a time I needed them most.
And so I began, unnaturally at first, to practice using language higher on the dignity scale, mostly 5s and 6s, during our disagreements, along with the correlated skills: be curious and ask questions, pause instead of immediately reacting, listen instead of jumping in to respond, and focus on the facts instead of attacking my sisters.
I noticed my thoughts started to match my new language. Problems started to get addressed more quickly. I started to feel less lonely in this new season with my mother, as my sisters and I began collaborating more easily. Yes, my conflict-avoidant self still comes for visits from time to time. But I recognize her and question her more easily now.
Next month my mom will celebrate one year of living in a new community. And I’ll continue practicing my new set of tools and skills. Maybe I’ll celebrate by planning a trip to Switzerland, a place I’ve never been, but always wanted to go.
Alicia Burke
Lead for Corporate and Development Training
Alicia with her mother, Marion on Mother's Day
Watch Scoring Speech, Not People 🎥
The Dignity Movement in Action
Congratulations to Tami Pyfer for being honored as one of USA Today’s Women of the Year! 🎉 Her unwavering dedication to education and community service has profoundly impacted Utah and beyond!! This recognition is a testament to her inspiring leadership and commitment to making a difference. 👏
Utah’s Nonprofit Day on the Hill was a success! 🎉
David, Ira, Alexa, Madeleine, and Preston had an incredible time connecting with Senators, Representatives, and fellow nonprofit leaders about the impact of dignity in our communities. It was inspiring to see so many passionate advocates working to create meaningful change!!! 😊
This week Preston and Madeleine had the opportunity to engage with university faculty – teaching the Index and discussing ways to apply it to their work with students. It was a fantastic experience! We’re excited to see where future collaborations take us! 🙏
Before heading to Palo Alto, Tami stopped in Southern Utah to speak to a newly formed women’s organization. This group of community-minded women want to broaden the tent of their political party, welcoming new ideas along with debate and disagreement based on goodwill, dignity, and respect.
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